At the current moment of writing this, I feel like I\u2019m back at my roots.
I\u2019m writing from the origin point.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m using a plain Word doc like I used to when I was a little girl on my dad\u2019s desktop, not knowing anything else but the simple desire that I just wanted to write\u2014
to let my mind wander,
to create something,
anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So why not bring out the Word doc like the good old days, when life was simple
and writing was the only desire I had in this world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t know. I\u2019m currently having an emotional breakdown right now,
at 1:50 a.m., December 30th, 2025.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m crying sooo much.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why?
Because I
just want to
breathe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Lol.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That\u2019s it.
That\u2019s all.
I just want to breathe.
That\u2019s all I want to do right now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Once upon a time, my only desire was writing.
Twenty years later, I\u2019m pleading to breathe\u2014
to take an inhale and an exhale, deeply, naturally, without force, without technique, without meditation, without prana, without logic.
I just want to breatheeee.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t know how to explain it, but for the longest time I felt like I wasn\u2019t breathing correctly.
And maybe it came from having a conversation with someone who told me that the correct way of breathing comes from the diaphragm, not the chest. But I think that was the first time I started paying attention to my breath, to my body, to how I breathe\u2014and I noticed, for the first time, that I do breathe shallow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And ever since then, I\u2019ve just been trying to reclaim my oxygen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But it stopped being a technical thing a long time ago, and now it feels like this thing I\u2019m constantly trying to manage or control. And it\u2019s like\u2014I don\u2019t need to control it. It\u2019s my body. My body was made by God. It has its own intelligence. It knows what it\u2019s doing. And I just keep getting in the way and complicating everything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And right now, I\u2019m just sitting here in the middle of the night crying boohoo tears, my nose all clogged, because I just want what\u2019s rightfully mine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I just want to breathe, man.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Without force.
Without restraint.
Without logic.
Without technique.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And I can<\/em> take deep breaths. And I don\u2019t know where this is coming from. I never know.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And quite frankly, I don\u2019t care to know. I\u2019ve made peace with not knowing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And I think that comes from me understanding that there\u2019s a knowing innate in me that already knows what it\u2019s doing. And that knowing\u2014and the knowing I try to reach sometimes\u2014are different. You know? I feel like whenever I try so hard to know, I interfere with the knowing that already knows.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Like breathing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I was born with the intelligence to breathe. And I know\u2014 Learning how to breathe correctly, as if those codes aren\u2019t already written in my DNA.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Why am I trying so hard to earn my breath? Okay\u2014maybe earning<\/em> isn\u2019t the right word. I don\u2019t know how to explain it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I know I\u2019m constantly breathing, even when I\u2019m not thinking about it. And when I try to nourish my whole body with oxygen, I feel a cap\u2014like a block.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I don\u2019t know what that\u2019s all about. My body has an intelligence of its own. Remembering is one thing. It\u2019s mine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I have every right to be entitled to this. Just because the world distracted me\u2014 It\u2019s mine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But most importantly, it doesn\u2019t matter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n These are the frustrations of the ego. Please\u2014just take it. My frustrations don\u2019t matter. So I just ask that intelligence to do its thing. Please don\u2019t leave me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s not that I want to earn you. I don\u2019t know anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is coming from humility, but also from the recognition that when I try, I stumble. And I know trying and practicing makes perfect\u2014I know\u2014but that leads back to earning. Which leads me back to: why should I earn what\u2019s rightfully mine?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Maybe, again, it\u2019s not about earning. Yeah. Remembering that I know. Because this world\u2014 Sometimes I wonder how this world could be the creation of the same God that I know. And in a world like this, I have to remember to at least breathe intelligently.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If I could have one last prayer, it\u2019s not even to God. I pray to remember. I don\u2019t need to earn. Remembering. Because whether I like it or not, And if I remember long enough\u2014 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" This was written in the middle of the night during an emotional breakdown. It isn\u2019t advice or a conclusion \u2014 just a moment, recorded honestly.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2510,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"elementor_theme","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[43],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2509","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-articles"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/innergalactic.me\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2509","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/innergalactic.me\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/innergalactic.me\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/innergalactic.me\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/innergalactic.me\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2509"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/innergalactic.me\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2509\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2515,"href":"https:\/\/innergalactic.me\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2509\/revisions\/2515"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/innergalactic.me\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2510"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/innergalactic.me\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2509"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/innergalactic.me\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2509"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/innergalactic.me\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2509"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
I can count to four when I inhale and count to six when I exhale.
But I feel so limited in my capacity.
I feel a block.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s biological.
I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s spiritual.
I don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t care to know.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And that intelligence is beyond me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I know that I was raised in neglect of that intelligence, or away from it.
But now that I\u2019m aware, and I\u2019ve seen the results of me not being aware of that intelligence, it\u2019s like I\u2019m reparenting it or something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s my breath.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Remembering is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But when I place my awareness on it, I notice that I\u2019m not breathing at my fullest capacity.
I inhale and I stop at the top of my chest.
And then I exhale.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And I don\u2019t want to know what that\u2019s all about because it doesn\u2019t fucking matter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It was created by the Source.
And I want my body to live in the natural order of what the Source gave it intelligence for<\/em>.
I don\u2019t have to interfere.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But once I remember, why should I feel like I need to earn what\u2019s innate in me?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s mine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
just because the world made me forget when I didn\u2019t know any better\u2014
doesn\u2019t mean I have to try so hard and earn my right to breathe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And as the ego, I surrender.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I surrender.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My entitlement doesn\u2019t matter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And to not leave me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s that\u2026 I don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s about remembering.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That\u2019s more like it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Remembering to breathe.
Remembering that I don\u2019t have to try so hard.
Remembering that I don\u2019t have to earn it.
Remembering to never forget.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
geeez.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Like\u2026 wow.
It\u2019s unbelievable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I have to remember.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s to myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I pray to remember that breath is mine.
That oxygen is abundant.
That I don\u2019t have to try so hard.
That I don\u2019t even have to try at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Just remember.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Remembering.
Remembering.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
the world has the power to make me forget.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
if I remember every day, every hour, every minute, every second\u2014
perhaps I\u2019ll forget that I had to remember in the first place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n